Sunday, June 17, 2012

Mr. Andy

I've been in several interesting and unique situations all my life. They tend to find me. I would like to share one particular scenario that occurred last night.

After a couple hours of drinking some premium Keystone Lights with a couple old and new friends we walk our asses to a local bar down the street from my house called The Dark Room. We make our way through the relatively crowded bar to get to the bartender. For those of you that know me I say hello to just about anyone I make eye contact with. So, I see a very drunk, slob of a man with glasses right next to me so I offer my fist for a bro pound.

"Whats up dude?!?"

Approximately 30 seconds into the incoherent conversation it registers that this man is none other than Andy Dick.

"Whats your name man?"
"Oh, right. So what are YOU doing out here?"

The woman he was with nearly immediately says, "I'm going to go, I'll leave you two alone." Something along those lines. At the buzzed moment of time I thought it was slightly strange but shrugged it off because, shit! It's Andy Dick!

In a loud bar it isn't all that unusual for someone to talk in your ear. But when you feel the warm breath trickle your ear drum it's a little too close for comfort. Oh, and he was also cupping the back of my neck and pulling me towards him. Andy Dick is a lot stronger than I thought. Somewhere in between talking about cocaine, his three children, how "awesome" I am and how "everyone in here is jealous of us you fucking idiot!" he attempted and slightly succeeded in molesting me. He was forcefully pulling me towards him until I would physically restrain him from me by grabbing both of his arms and yelling at him whilst slightly laughing. Towards the end of the encounter, before I started to get angry and feel slightly violated, he put his hand up my shirt and was tugging at my shirt. All I could say was..

"Andy! No! Stop it, Andy! I like this shirt, Andy. I like this shirt! Stop it!"

When I realized those standing in a 5 foot radius, including the bar tenders, were just watching the entire thing I decided to say good bye after he wanted me to take his number. Just when I thought this was a time to network, it was a time to simply hold on to the soap.

Fortunately I stepped aside because towards the end I was on the verge of bitch slapping and/or punching Andy Dick in his face. Completely absurd.

I wish straight women were as forward as Andy.

Oh, and the other day in Hollywood a very old man offered me a lollypop.

As you can see, my hand was on his wrist to prevent him from grabbing me. Straight up the most difficult picture of my life. In attempts to make me feel better, my heterosexual roommate on the left told me it was because I'm "sexy". So feel free to make fun of @Wannop10.

*No disrespect to Andy Dick.

And if you haven't watched my short film ICEBERG yet, please do. And please share on your facebook and twitter if you would. 

Happy Father's Day, Kid. Miss and Love you.